This summer I did something that I thought I would never do, or at least never need. It was a summer day and I was stressed, my husband was out of town for the millionth time, work was crazy and I was once again thinking about how much I wanted to be a mom--something that is hard to achieve without said husband. I remember I was in the kitchen and although I have never had one I was pretty sure I was close to a panic attack or at least an emotional melt down.
I remember I had vented to my sister but I still felt like I was going to lose it. Thankfully my employer offers a program where you can see a therapist at little to no cost, so I called the number and it has made all the difference.
Now I always thought that someone that saw a therapist or a shrink that they had to be a little crazy (not that I'm normal) but that day just thinking about the fact that I could have someone (someone that wasn't bias and didn't know me) that would listen just listen to me, that sounded like something that I really needed, so I called the number and made my first appointment before I could chicken out.
My first appointment felt GOOD. I had spoken to this lady only one time on the phone and I sat down in her office and spilled out my guts and it felt WONDERFUL. She didn't know me, she didn't know my husband, she didn't know my family or my friends and she didn't have an opinion. She wasn't like my co-workers and friends who were telling me 'to just relax' she wasn't like my sister trying to empathizing but not really getting it, she just sat back and listened to how much I was struggling with everything and how rough the year was being for me.
Since that day I have been back six times and it has been so nice. Not only have I been able to pour out my heart but we have been able to work together to come up with ways to deal with what I have been going through.
One of the greatest things that I have taken away from these sessions is that its okay to not be happy for someone. Its okay for me to smile and say 'congrats on your news' but then it is also ok to escape to the bathroom and cry. We discuss that its okay for me to feel that way, of course its not okay for me to yell at someone for getting pregnant but it is OKAY for me to feel unhappy for someone. HEARING someone say that, someone telling me that its fine to embrace all of my feelings, even the bad ones has really helped me in not feeling guilty about feeling sadness that someone else is pregnant.
