This About Sums It Up

Obviously

This was never supposed to be me.

I mean, obviously this is all some kind of nightmare right?

All of this has to be some kind of mistake right?

I didn't ask for this, I didn't sign up for this, all of this can't be real.

I've always had my crap together, I've always done the right thing, so why this is happening to me?

Life is supposed to go, fall in love, get married, have babies.

Right?

It doesn't go, fall in love, get married, try, try, try to have babies does it?

Obviously this is some kind of mistake, please wake me up when my life is back on track.

Thanks.

Guess I'll Try To Not Let It Ruin My Day

I have always enjoyed interacting with children, they are also so blunt and aren't afraid to tell it like it is. You can't avoid children and babies, something that became very evident to me, they are everywhere you go, and mostly they have always been there and you are just noticing them now. Before I would just think how cute they were and how we would have some some day. Now it is a little bit different.

Now, if I don't stop myself, I start to lose it, I start to wonder if we will ever have that, if we

will ever be parents, if I will ever be pregnant, and its really hard to not let it get to me. It is hard

to see a perfect family and wonder if that is even possible for us.

But I still have hope, we are still at the beginning of this journey and so much that we haven't tried, so I keep trying to be positive, right now it is the only thing that I can control

Diving In

So Thursday was our first visit with an infertility doctor.

I made this appointment about a month/two months ago and have really been looking forward to it, All I could think about was finally getting some answers, I feel like not knowing what is going on has been a big dark cloud hovering over me. Just the not knowing, the question of can we conceive has been weighing on my mind.

The day before the appointment I suddenly realized, out of nowhere, that we would probably not figure out what was going on the first visit. BOOM. It hit me just like that. Here I was thinking that we could walk in, and the Dr would just know what is going on, well duh, no he wouldn't.

I did feel somewhat better though after, finally we were getting (hopefully) somewhere, although i didn't have the answer then we were on our way to them, and hopefully they are good ones.

So right now, I'm doing what I did before, the tests that the Dr ordered have to be done at certain time in my cycle....so here I am, still waiting. 

7pm Bedtime?

When is it acceptable to go to bed at 7pm?

Somedays I feel it should be socially acceptable to come home from work at five and go straight to bed.

Especially if you are having a bad day or are just tired. 

I think tonight is a good night for an 8pm bed time.

Shhhhhh.....don't tell anyone.

I'm not happy for you.

This summer I did something that I thought I would never do, or at least never need. It was a summer day and I was stressed, my husband was out of town for the millionth time, work was crazy and I was once again thinking about how much I wanted to be a mom--something that is hard to achieve without said husband. I remember I was in the kitchen and although I have never had one I was pretty sure I was close to a panic attack or at least an emotional melt down.

I remember I had vented to my sister but I still felt like I was going to lose it. Thankfully my employer offers a program where you can see a therapist at little to no cost, so I called the number and it has made all the difference.

Now I always thought that someone that saw a therapist or a shrink that they had to be a little crazy (not that I'm normal) but that day just thinking about the fact that I could have someone (someone that wasn't bias and didn't know me) that would listen just listen to me, that sounded like something that I really needed, so I called the number and made my first appointment before I could chicken out. 

My first appointment felt GOOD. I had spoken to this lady only one time on the phone and I sat down in her office and spilled out my guts and it felt WONDERFUL. She didn't know me, she didn't know my husband, she didn't know my family or my friends and she didn't have an opinion. She wasn't like my co-workers and friends who were telling me 'to just relax' she wasn't like my sister trying to empathizing but not really getting it, she just sat back and listened to how much I was struggling with everything and how rough the year was being for me. 

Since that day I have been back six times and it has been so nice. Not only have I been able to pour out my heart but we have been able to work together to come up with ways to deal with what I have been going through.

One of the greatest things that I have taken away from these sessions is that its okay to not be happy for someone. Its okay for me to smile and say 'congrats on your news' but then it is also ok to escape to the bathroom and cry. We discuss that its okay for me to feel that way, of course its not okay for me to yell at someone for getting pregnant but it is OKAY for me to feel unhappy for someone. HEARING someone say that, someone telling me that its fine to embrace all of my feelings, even the bad ones has really helped me in not feeling guilty about feeling sadness that someone else is pregnant.

By Now

The snow is flying.
Thanksgiving is two weeks away.
I really thought.
Really thought.
That I would have a little one to hold by now.

I thought
Really thought
That I would at least be 8 months pregnant.

I thought
Really thought
That I would be at home cuddling
and not at work working

I thought
Really thought
That I would have a baby right now